did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
you are never too drunk for berry picking
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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