Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
