I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
