my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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