my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
