I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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