At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
