nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Mom said you looked used
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
