are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
