with your own penis?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
