just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
