the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
