As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
