Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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