she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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