Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
