Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
