I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
