Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
