i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
