my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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