the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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