I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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