i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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