I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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