I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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