Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
