I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Text me some of your sweat
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
