Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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