Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's blow job season.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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