I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
