The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
