he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
