Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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