mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
