Taylor Swift is so right about you.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
