I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
