I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You are a genius and a whore.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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