I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize