No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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