i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
