I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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