I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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