I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
