Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
