cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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