i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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