her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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