I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
