Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
