she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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