I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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