Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just had sex bonerless
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
