ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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