Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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