Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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