I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
