puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
