YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
